I can't bring myself to ski in Pitkin County.

Copper, Vail, A-Basin....no problem. Summit County is fine.

Pitkin County means Aspen, Snowmass, and the Highlands. The mere thought of going there sends me into a blue funk.

My shrink called it avoidant behavior.

I told him that was nonsense, the reason is because I don't want to be reminded of happier, younger days when I was there with my wife.

He said that's avoidant behavior.

18 fucking years, and still no closure. I've moved on, don't get me wrong. Lived with a girl for 5 years in the late 90s. Having a serious relationship isn't a problem, but I can't even imagine getting married again. I used to hear about "50% of all marriages of people between the ages of blah blah blah blah..."....and think nothing of it. Divorce became a punch line to jokes. I found it sad that marriages were breaking up, but I just didn't realize what a jarring, shattering experience it is until living through it.

When my father died in '99, I mourned. And mourned. He was my buddy. Now I do his job, sit at his desk, and talk about him with people all day long. But I don't get sad just thinking about him anymore. I feel good he made such a mark on the world that years after he's gone people still tell me their personal stories about him. It makes me happy. I'm still sad that he's gone, but talking about him makes me happy. I'm no longer mourning his loss.

Getting divorced in 1990 was the right thing to do. We got married way too fucking young. I was 20, and she was 18. 10 years of marriage later we had both gone through the enormous changes that occur in ones 20s. We grew apart. I don't really miss her, I must admit. What I'm still mourning is the loss of the fun we had for the first 5 years, and that feeling I had when were just married. It felt so solid. "Us against the world" and all that shit. I hate the fact that that feeling is gone. I don't talk about it much with my family, and they know not to bring it up.

Avoidant behavior I guess.

 PS~ I haven't talked to her in 18 years, I can't imagine seeing the ex on a regular basis, and no kids...so I didn't experience sadness reflected.

Yep, there are all kinds of grief, and you certainly aren't alone in the mythologizing department.  My grief now is what the divorce has cost my children - from all appearances they seem great, well-adjusted, in fact people are always telling me "they seem to be handling it well" , etc. but I know the reality.  Its like, from the moment they're born you spend so much time and energy as a parent, keeping them safe from harm - and then its like you've just yanked the rug right out from under them.

Oh, and {smack!}

Michael Kenney:  That clean break you have with your ex-wife, I'll never have that because of our kids.  The constant seeing him, having him still in my life despite the fact that we're divorced, Its not much a source of concern for me, because we lost all romantic ties so long ago, that kind of good togetherness feeling you mention - we just became functioning parents together, nothing more.  I'm grateful we have it together that way at least, for our kids.  And once they're finally off to college all that kind of day to day interaction will pretty much come to an end, too. 

Keifus - I'm still a big believer in good marriages.  All of my siblings have strong ones, and they (and you) deserve much praise for it, its definitely something you work at every day.  Its always inspiring to me to witness it, really.