by Schuyler Bates - March 3, 2008
Answering The Red Phone At 3 In The Morning
An SNL Sketch Outline Not To Be
It's 3 A.M. Where are you and your duct tape?
President John McCain:
Ring... ring... ring... ring... ring... ring...
Ring... ring... ring... ring... "Hmph... arcplch... Hello! What... What? Do you have any fucking idea it is what time it is, asshole? Who? Who? Honey, where's the volume knob thingie? Okay who? Which is that one again, the one shaped like a pickle? Do we like them? Then why are they firebombing mosques? They're supposed to hate Jews, for chrissakes! Where's my chart? Honey, pass me my Milk Of Magnesia.
"What's the CIA saying?... I don't care what the NSA heard. I want to know what CIA has... Fuck you. That's how we did things back in the day... Oh, those were the days. Man, send some dudes down with some manuals, some guns and a target, and before you know it it's, "Hello, freedom!" Good times...
"Mmph... gurglescht... huh? Yeah, I'm here. What's the status? Honey, my prune is bruised..."
President Hillary Clinton:
Ring... ring... ring... ring... "aaaaaaaaHAAAAAAAA HA HA HA HA! heLLOOOOO! What? Oh, okay. Bill! It's for you!"
President Barack Hussein Obama:
Rin--"Go for Barmo. Um hm. Um hm. Right. Um hm. Right. Um hm. Good. [click]
[beep] Wes. Scramble half a dozen F-18s from NORAD, get me the Tel Aviv Station Chief, alert the SEAL Team in the Onan Gulf on the Nimitz, and for good god's sake I need to speak to Shalloma ben Johnson. Yes. He's the Mossad Station Chief in Beirut. NOW!!! In that order.
"Michelle, lady, find my one hitter, and it better be loaded."
"Niggah, you load your own bowl, baby."
"But you do it better. And it's not a bowl if it's in a hitter. Damn, girl!"
"Oh. Right. I think I just solved world peace."
"I know you did baby, but I need that blunt."
"It' not a blunt if it's in a bong... Oh never mind. Here's your Kevlar."
"Shalloma? Hussy Obo. Good. I'm good. How's Sarah? Oh that's great. And little Ascher and Liev? Ha ha ha ha. It's a great age, I know. Cute!
"Hey, we have it on pretty good authority that Jinadadio's been sniffin' around Northern Kuwait again, but I think you already knew that. Good. It's provocative, and I think we can make an ex facto case of taking out the Iran wannabees and letting the profs revolt. I have it on even better authority that the students are behind "you know who". Not a lot of blood. I've got a SpecOps team at your disposal. They can meet you on "the beach"? They're about 15 minutes out. Perfect. I'll be in touch. Out."
President John McCain (con't):
"We built this city... hm-hmm-hm... we built this city on rock and roll--built this city... built this--Ring... Now what? Hello? Is this still about the Jews? Again? I mean seriously, I realize as a 'conservative' -- Ha ha ha ha ha -- that we have to abide these people, but when is enough enough? Fuck! They're butchering their neighbors who it turns out have more of a right to the land the Israelis! I mean, this isn't fucking Armenia!"
President Hillary Clinton (con't):
Ring... Ring... Ring... "Yes? Are you kidding me? Fine. Do what we talked about, by the letter, to the tee. It's no one Bill! Synchronize watches, and on my command, I'd like an order of Tomahawk missiles with a side of cluster bombs, capiche? That's right: I'm activating Operation G.I. Funnel Kill Zone. Code words: hawk, Channel, Fritos, zooloo, tampon, concealer. Repeat: hawk..."
President Barack Hussein Obama (con't):
"Okay, the drop's at 1100 hours. We have 3 minutes to secure the beach. The SEAL TEAM has it wired up so use you infrared to avoid the toepoppers. We rendezvous with IDF's hit team at 1120 hours.
"Blake: you're on point. Stevenson: left flank. I'll head up the water tower to take out their snipers. Copy? On my go/no-go: and... GO!!!
Schuyler Bates is a former snowboarder who'd like to make enough $$ to be a stay-at-home-drunk. He lives in Birmingham, Alabama and rarely blogs at The Outer Sanctum.