by Schuyler Bates - February 3, 2008
I like Hillary Clinton. She's smart, experienced, tested, and she's taken her fair share of political smears such that it's almost as if she's been president already. Again. She'd make a fine leader of the free-ish world: confident, competent, thoughtful and, perhaps, sincere.
But there's a certain sort of Hillary supporter, in and amongst her otherwise reasonable and not insane contingency, that may very well t-bone her campaign on the way to The White House, or at least plow it off the tracks a bit. They're really hard to miss and seem nearly cloned from the same sheep and fall right into lockstep with all the zeal and zealotry of a Rush Limbaugh listener.
This certain sort of Hillary fan is in her 50s, divorced, bitter, resentful and entitled to entitlements, dammit.
She's a hardcore feminist, but only on paper. Which means when it comes to everyday, practical matters concerning the business of living, she's a pseudo-housewife living in the early 1970s.
She's not just a supporter of Hillary; she's a rabid supporter. Literally. She has rabies.
Her love, worship and deification of Hillary is so all-consuming that she despises with the white-hot intensity of a supernova each and every other Democratic contender and would go so far as to vote for the Republican candidate just to spite her own party for nominating the wrong Democratic hopeful.
Her alleged liberalism, such that it is, is the result of a misplaced academic elitism and a hectic sense of narrow-minded superficial intellectualism. I.e., she's not really that liberal but wants to appear so because while Republicans are stereotypically seen as undereducated thugs, liberals are stereotypically seen as compassionate towards the unwashed masses. I.e., Democrats want to help the needy. I.e., Democrats see themselves as our betters.
She fervently believes in every fiber of her being that it's Hillary's destiny to be president because she has a vagina. (This, by the way, is when the 1970s housewife rears her cookie-baking head. Much to her own dismay.)
Saying anything negative about Hillary causes you immediately to become a misogynistic pig. Saying anything positive about Barack Obama causes you immediately to become a misogynistic pig. Though her saying anything about his youth or alleged lack of experience, couched in that non-specific, "it's impossible for liberals to be racist" rhetoric that seems nearly to say "That boy don't know what he's doin'", is not closeted racism, ever! After all, liberals, like Northerners, don't care how big blacks get; they just don't want them to get too close. And conservatives, like Southerners, don't care how close blacks get; they just don't want them to get too big.
Saying any of this to one of these particular sorts of Hillary supporters causes her to get unhinged and swallow part of her face.
She thinks evangelical christians are inbred retards who should be bred out of existence for the greater good of humanity. Unfortunately she's right.
The neo-conservative movement has produced many things since its conception at some point in the late 1980s: global corporatism, neo-imperialism, preemptive military invasions, legal torture, manufactured intelligence, and Karl Rove. That's quite a legacy.
But the social animal clawing its way out of the primordial ooze of political evolution that will go down as the neo-conservative movement's most wondrous creation will be: the neo-liberal. A divorced 56 year old so filled with venom and spit that if she had to choose between Barack Obama as the Democratic candidate and our planet, earth, catching on fire, she'd side with Armageddon.
Welcome to hell. Totalita-Rove-ianists meet Hillarysterians, and just like that we've found ourselves smack dab in the middle of a turf war. Our only hope is that they tear each other to shreds with their bare hands. Though clearly it's not a fair fight and is over even before it begins. Everybody loses.
Schuyler Bates is a former snowboarder who'd like to make enough $$ to be a stay-at-home-drunk. He lives in Birmingham, Alabama and rarely blogs at The Outer Sanctum.
Editor's Note: The illustration accompanying this article was stolen from The Onion