by Schuyler Bates - March 16, 2008
It's so obvious. Tested. Vetted. Ready day 1. (Okay, day 9 [Okay, day 297 at the latest {as of this writing, where applicable, see contract for details}.].)
Her foreign policy experience is staggering, her devotion to universal healthcare exhaustive, her military service unquestionable, and her knowledge of the inner-workings of Washington, D.C. thoroughly documented.
With her combined 135 years of public service, public discourse and public humiliation, there's no doubt that Hillary Clinton must be the Democratic Presidential Nominee. Why?
She was the First Lady of America for 8 years
Being married to the president ain't exactly a picnic. Quite the learning experience, indeed. But being married to Bill Clinton, we've found out, is a lot like not being married. Which puts her in the unique position of taking credit for all that went right with his presidency while insulating herself from all that went wrong, including fidelity. And I won't even mention how much shaking foreign leaders' hands knowing you'll never speak to them or see them ever again adds to one's future diplomatic mettle. That's courage. That's leadership. That's experience.
Her exposure to international crises is on record
She led 500 million Darfur refugees out of Northern Ireland and into Macedonia by playing "The Mexican Hat Dance" on bagpipes while being fired upon by an Israeli gunship off the Horn Of Africa.
She spearheaded the Navy SEAL Team that sprung Nelson Mandela out of the hootch while disarming a nuclear warhead planted by rival Peruvian warlords in Madrid by yodeling "Lonely Goatherd" on the same frequency as the detonator.
She foiled a Bosnian plot to annex western Serbia thus doubling their supermodel exports and pricing Ukraine right out of the business by lacing the cocaine backstage at fashion week with Prozac while orchestrating a ceasefire between A.T.F. and The Branch Davidians.
And she has a vagina. That's key.
She is not a black negro man
She is so not.
That phone call at 3 A.M.? Hillary Clinton doesn't take calls. Hillary Clinton makes calls. Oh yeah, she'll be making some calls alright.
As for a black man in The White House? I actually feel a little foolish having to point out the obvious even more so than it's currently being pointed out reading between the lines of a certain campaign office's "caucusing materials". Suffice it to say that were Barack Hussein Obama the president, he'd be out back shooting craps with his shiftless "rainbow coalition" security detail selling weed to the East Wing staffers while the dumpster overflows with empty KFC tubs and empty Colt 45 40-ouncers and empty Kool cartons as feral dogs fight over the bones when a not-so-distant gunshot is heard after a muffled scream then the stereotypically menacing coal-dark-blue-gummed-(sand-)nigger-in-the-woodpile lurks around in the bushes letting "the red phone" ring right off the hook at 3 in the morning.* Which is fine with me because if a black man with a funny, foreign sounding name is president and "the red phone" is ringing at 3 A.M., it's probably his al qaeda contact activating his sleeper cell status to "active". Where's the Saturday NIght Live skit about that scenario, biased comedy sketch TV shows?
Let's face it: the only reason Obama is where he is right now is because he's a black man. If he were a white man, he wouldn't be where he is right now. Yep. If he were a white man saying the things he's saying the way he's saying them, he'd already be president. Joke's on you, Barry!
She can beat McCain
Seriously. She's got a right cross Tyson would kill for. And her famous headbutt is the stuff of mythology.
Some of her supporters are barely-closeted racist douche bags who are technically retarded
These are the same bigoted raisin cakes who will actually vote for John McCain should Hillary not get the nomination. So it's absolutely crucial that she get the nomination so that we can continue to subsidize the Liberal Racism Industry while polarizing the reasonable centrists. That's how you solve that whole racism bit. You have to understand the nature of racism. I.e., you have to be racist and bigoted. I.e... Er... Uhh... Wait...
Hope is stupid
Don't come to me with hopes and dreams. Come to me with problems and solutions. Politics isn't about the future or about new ways of getting things done or framing issues in such a way as to create alternative contexts in which the problems become irrelevant. Politics is about doing things the way they've always been done. Period. It's been in a couple papers.
She's not a black man
Really can't stress that enough. What, do we really want President Tyrone? I know I don't.
She cares about people's health
The healthcare legislation she designed while First Lady was about to pass both the House and Senate until that royal dumbass Al Gore trashed it at the last minute by asking how we were going to pay for it. We weren't going to pay for it, stupid. That was the whole idea!
She's qualified to be 1st in command
Barack isn't. Though it would seem that he is, according to her, qualified to be 2nd in command. Which means that if he does accept her offer and is 2nd in command, the ticket wins the election and something happens to her, then we'll be stuck with someone who's 1st in command who isn't qualified to be 1st in command. Though it would follow that a presidential candidate would want to appoint someone 2nd in command s/he thinks is qualified to be 1st in command. So... Hmm... Wait...
She doesn't have a sense of humor
These are serious times that call for serious people. We don't need The Most Powerful Person On The Planet wiling the hours away chortling us all the way to nuclear obliteration, fiddling, leaving dangling participles lying around The White House like unexplained jokes. Which is just as well because Cacklemania over there could sandblast the sorrow off a recent widow.*
"That's not what I said."
End of story.
So keep in mind, good people of Pennsylvania, that we could have a vagina-having, humorless Washington insider who already knows her way around The White House as the Democratic Presidential Nominee, or some sketchy black ghetto dude peddling hope like he's dealing drugs who wants to rob The White House. Your move.
Brought to you by Citizens For Change We Don't Notice
*props to daveto
**props to Patton Oswalt
Schuyler Bates is a former snowboarder who'd like to make enough $$ to be a stay-at-home-drunk. He lives in Birmingham, Alabama and rarely blogs at The Outer Sanctum.