by Schuyler Bates - November 28, 2007
Are you people insane? What are you thinking? I don't get it. It seems so obvious, but maybe it's just me. Hillary simply can't be president.
She's a Clinton, and therefore a pathological liar
Oh sure: Bill may have balanced the budget, worked with congress in a bipartisan fashion on important legislation, was centrist, was a fiscal conservative, cut bureaucratic waste, spoke in complete sentences, elevated the presidency to one of intellect as opposed to sophistry, walked on water and colonized one of Jupiter's moons. But he lied about that blowjob at a time when the last thing this country needed was a sitting president lying about a blowjob. Our current president thinks "blowjob" is getting paid with cocaine. That's why we're safer.
She's smart
Do we really want to change horses in the middle of this particular stream? For the last 7 years we've had a complete and total dumbass in The White House, and look at all we've accomplished:
1.) We've shoved the Taliban all the way into Pakistan.
2.) We've demonstrated almost exactly how far our military can stretch without snapping.
3.) We've created a veritable cottage industry of insurgency in Iraq in which young men are starting small businesses by getting paid to explode. Retirement means you're dead: No overhead. Let the market decide!
4.) We've managed to successfully borrow 8.3 bajillion dollars from our great-grandchildren at 0% interest with 3000 thousand dollars auto show bonus cash.
5.) We've got a Supreme Court that finally more closely resembles the real America, i.e., chubby and pale.
6.) We've turned corporatism and war profiteering into spectator sports.
7.) We've got al Qaeda on the run (where "on the run" may mean "hiding in caves making long-format industrial videos").
8.) Unending lines at airport security and 72-hour waits on the tarmac? Need I say more?
Why would we want to throw all that away?
She's a woman
Everybody's thinking it but I'm the only one with the guts to say it out loud. Think about it: "That time of the month" rolls around and all bets are off. Do we really want the leader of the free world PMSing to beat the band with her finger hovering over "the button"?
And I won't even mention the fact that being a woman makes her inherently indecisive. You may think she's negotiating some nuke-you-ler non-proliferation act with North Korea, but you can be sure she's thinking, "Oh, I wonder if I should've gone with the Chinese mandate on ballistic missile defense. It's after Labor Day."
Ka-BLAMMO!!!
That dress makes her look fat
I shouldn't have to say this, but I don't care what year it is: This country does not elect a president that wears fat-making dresses. We've got plenty of Republican cross-dressing congressmen in the closet for that.
Obama may or may not be black enough, but is Hillary man enough?
Men are doers by nature. They hunt, gather, watch football, make off color remarks to each other, and cheat on their wives/girlfriends. I.e., they do stuff. Women are nurturers by nature. They cook, clean, bake cookies, give birth and raise children, balance motherhood and professionalism and family management and social events and extra-curricular activities and church and school, in some cases all without the benefit of a husband. So ask yourself this: Do I want a president who's going to do stuff, or do I want a president who's had a lifetime of time management training from a gender that practically invented "multi-tasking"?
She's not a decider
She's a listener. The president doesn't have time to listen; he's only got time to decide. That's what makes him the president.
She might choose Al Gore as a running mate
Yes, that Al Gore. This is a guy whose idea of "stewardship" is to crisscross the country in a fossil fuel-burning chartered jet to show a movie about himself in which he tells 3rd world countries that, because developed countries have reduced the planet to little more than an ash heap, they're gonna have to stay 3rd world countries because earth can't take any more development at this time until further notice. As if we didn't look bad enough around the globe as it is.
Oh, and he said he invented the internet. What a joke! Everybody knows that the internet was handed down to us by overlords from the future who wander the cities of dust amongst the neuromancers in the omniverse. Look it up.
She doesn't want to fight The War On Terrorism
She wants to fight the war on terror. That's just plain unsalted nuts. Fear 9/11 is the 9/11 great motivator. Fear 9/11 is the great equalizer 9/11. Fear 9/11 votes. If 9/11 we as a 9/11 nation are 9/11 not afraid 24/7, 9/11 then the 9/11 terrorists have won 9/11 and will kill each and every one of us in our sleep with knives 9/11, cut off our genitals 9/11 and make necklaces out of our teeth. (Plus, every time we go from "yellow alert" to "orange alert", I get half off at the Subway. 9/11)
She's a woman
I don't think I can stress this point enough. Go ahead: Wait till your wife/girlfriend is on the rag and ask her if she could hurry up with all that diplomacy and nation building and war mongering because you're ready to get that blowjob everyone's been talking about and see how long it takes her to rip your head off. See that ripped off head? That's Iran.
She's never been president
Were she elected president, her presidency would be little more than on-the-job training as president. I.e., you can't learn to be president; you have to be president. It's in the manual.
"The Laugh"
I'm sorry, but that cackle could knock a Huey off an aircraft carrier, and probably has. Can you imagine if, while she was hosting foreign leaders at a state dinner, someone at her table said something really funny and she let one of those paint-peelers rip? Shattered glasses, overturned soup bowls, collapsed sneeze guards, chandeliers plummeting to the floor, discharged firearms, dogs howling and cats screeching, the Lincoln Memorial's chair gives out sending ole Honest Abe crashing to the ground. Mayhem. State dinners and mayhem is not necessarily a winning combination. Why not just barf all over some Japanese dude while you're at it, there, Trixie?
She's never lived overseas as a child for 6 months
So much for an integral understanding of international affairs. Do we really want a "newbie" calling the shots on whether or not to invade a country that didn't attack us?
She's a social liberal
Do you know what that means? It means that women will start having 3 abortions a week just to have something to do. It'll be like getting a manicure. School prayer and the pledge of allegiance will become incantations to Satan and condom bingo. And all those gay couples that have to confine their affection for one another to the privacy of their own homes? Well you can kiss all that goodbye. The streets of America will be like oceans of guys holding hands and making out, they'll marry each other and receive all the rights and benefits that straight couples enjoy, and they'll start adopting children and provide a loving, healthy environment for them to grow up in. I.e., more mayhem, again.
She's A (Capital "D") Democrat
The party of defeatism. Of Failure. The Party that brought you World War II, Korea, the staged moon landing, Vietnam, The Great Society, Civil Rights, oil embargoes, gas lines, feminism... The list is endless with this lunatic fringe.
So please take the next year to think about what we're doing and what we're not going to do, where we're going and where we want to be, who we are and what we want to look like, and make that your barometer of change or no change.
Brought to you by Citizens For A 3rd Bush Term: Keep On Rolling!
Schuyler Bates is a former snowboarder who'd like to make enough $$ to be a stay-at-home-drunk. He lives in Birmingham, Alabama and rarely blogs at The Outer Sanctum.