by Schuyler Bates - December 18, 2007
In all my vast number of years (okay, 8 months) in following presidential politics, I don't think I've ever seen a more clear-cut choice for who it is exactly who should be running the United States of America. Dennis Kucinich's qualifications, were they placed end to end, would nearly circumnavigate the globe like a strangle hold on capitalism. Twice.
He was the mayor of Cleveland, Ohio
This was the Cleveland, Ohio of the 1970s, mind you. Lake Erie caught on fire and burned for 29 months, politicians routinely paid off other politicians to get valuable government contracts in their districts and profit from them because they had a stake in the same companies, no city legislation got done because neither party would speak to the other no matter what, the deputy mayor was technically dead for 6 months, nobody knew what they were doing, and inflation was about to tear the economy a new ozone hole after he bankrupted the entire city.
Who says you can't go home again? A grateful nation awaits its savior.
As a congressman, he's balanced far right wing clinical insanity with his own far left wing clinical insanity
Remember that episode of Star Trek where this dude named Lazarus has to fight with his alter-ego from a parallel world so that the universe doesn't rip apart, and so they're at each other's throats yet accomplishing nothing for the rest of eternity allegedly trying to save life as we know it in spite of themselves?
That's congress!
He understands the binary language of moisture vaporators
End of story.
A "Dream Team" Cabinet
Secretary of State: Bill Clinton
Secretary of Defense: Zed
Secretary of the Interior: Martha Stewart
Secretary of Agriculture: Tif Kwazai Del of Planet Dadelos, Terboon System
Secretary of Education: the tears of a Latvian orphan girl kept in a hollow silver amulet
Secretary of Labor: Sam Elliot's disembodied voice
Secretary of Health & Human Services: Dr. Mehmet Oz
Secretary of the Treasury: John Chambers
Secretary of Homeland Security: T-X
Secretary of Housing & Urban Development: "the gays" (obviously)
Secretary of Transportation: Chortlin' Chuck, the imaginary wood nymph
Secretary of Energy: a power bar
Attorney General: Eliot Spitzer
Secretary of Veterans Affairs: like you even have to ask
Oh, and don't get too comfortable there, SCOTUS; Dennis is planning on doing a little house cleaning over there at the highest court in the land.
In a previous life, he was Dahraine, a eunuch in the court of King Cephalus of Lower Gaul circa 125 A.D.
Try putting that on your curriculum vitae, presidential pretenders. Add the fact that he's personal friends with Shirley MacLaine, his own personal "ghost whisperer", and you start to realize that tapping into the world's collective undead could quite possibly be our greatest natural resource as a nation.
Elizabeth Kucinich
Isn't it about time that we had a First Lady most American men (and some American women) would want to have sex with back in The White House for a change?
Plus, she's a Druidic Princess of Stonehenge. Stonehenge!
He successfully negotiated a peace treaty between Tantalon, his home planet, and the Benzadrinian System
And I won't even mention the fact that he single-handedly prevented the Boronian invasion of Chalethar, saving billions of endangered togwomps in that part of the galaxy. He's a rebel and a friend to the animals, no matter their point of origin. That's a position on illegal aliens I can really get behind.
He's a "green" candidate
Seriously. Green is his real skin color. Thank god for full body condoms and hair pieces, especially considering Tantalonians' penises are on top of their heads.
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Gotta mean something.
He's got a plan for the Mexican immigration problem
We're gonna build a wall, alright. But not just any ordinary wall. This wall will be 80 feet high, but it'll have a giant revolving door in the middle. But not just any ordinary revolving door. Oh no. As Mexicans pour through the door in countless numbers, the revolving of the door will power an intricate system of holograms and digital realities, sending our brown-skinned visitors into a virtual world of a Mexican Eden, complete with rivers flowing with tequila, taco stands made of velvet, late night parking lots filled with 28-inch-rimmed Caprice Classics circa 1985, sombreros, landscapers who pay in weed... It's a paradise only a Mexican can love. And Dennis is going to give it to us.
The Movie Tron is based on his life
As was the video game. Or a dream he had once. We're still sorting all this out.
The list goes on and on and on. So keep in mind in the runup to the election, when the Democrats are debating and no one's asking Dennis Kucinich any questions because: 1.) They don't realize he's there; 2.) they don't know who he is; and 3.) he may be wearing his ring of invisibility that he found in a river, that Dennis is easily the most qualified man in the room to start calling the shots around here. Do that, and there's a better than average chance we won't go to war with a race of giant aliens with elephant-looking heads (Phantos). Again.
Brought to you by Citizens With Unrealistic Expectations Based On Non-Reality And Space Robots
Schuyler Bates is a former snowboarder who'd like to make enough $$ to be a stay-at-home-drunk. He lives in Birmingham, Alabama and rarely blogs at The Outer Sanctum.