by E.B. Kelly
Good People Who Make Bad Movies
Shelly Duvall’s Tall Tales and Legends: Johnny Appleseed
Welcome to Good People Who Make Bad Movies, a regular feature in which I will share the pain of watching some of cinema’s most forgettable outings. Be warned: there will be spoilers throughout.
Have you ever asked yourself what would happen if Rob Reiner, Martin Short, Michael McKean, and Christopher Guest were picked up for running a white slavery ring in an East Coast apple orchard? Perhaps they would have been hauled in by a sympathetic sheriff, one who could relate to either Meathead or Ed Grimley, one who “got” Spinal Tap, and maybe that sheriff would talk to the judge and encourage leniency. Or perhaps after a lengthy session in chambers with a sheriff who thought SCTV was derivative and a dour judge who decidedly did not “get” Spinal Tap, they’d be forced to make Shelly Duvall’s Tall Tales and Legends: Johnny Appleseed as a community service.
Except non-ironically.
And with Molly Ringwald.
I can’t imagine what other circumstances might have led these otherwise talented people to undertake this project. Does Shelly Duvall have naked pictures of someone? Even making allowances that this is a kid’s movie, the narration, pace, plot, costumes, well, everything, is just awful. Sample dialogue:
Indian Chief: Can I tell you something?
Pause
Pause
Johnny: Sure.
Pause
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Indian Chief: I don’t like corn.
Pause
Pause
Johnny fumbles in pocket, takes out an apple.
Pause
Pause
Johnny: Here, try this.
Pause
Johnny: It’s an apple.
For those who didn’t have to read a book about him in the second grade, John “Johnny Appleseed” Chapman wandered the country planting apple orchards. Martin Short tackles the title role with equal parts bemusement and metal retardation. There are shades of the aforementioned Grimley throughout his performance, but without that wink of self-parody, the elegant epileptic quality of Short’s prancing looks deranged. If we are to believe this version of the tale, Johnny also saved a destitute fur trapper (Micheal McKean) from financial ruin, butted heads with a mean-spirited trading post owner (Rob Reiner), gave the Indians their first taste of this not-so-forbidden fruit, and fell in love with “Betty Nature”, Molly Ringwald’s character. (One can only assume that John Hughes had stopped returning her calls.)
I would like to tell you that there are some redeeming qualities to this film, but I really try not to tell lies (note to self: see if Duvall did a film about George Washington). You can even take a gander if you’re feeling brave enough to hear the phrase “apple-headed loony bird” used seriously.
Reiner. Short. Guest. McKean. These guys are funny. Their collected filmography is pretty good. This is just a really, really bad movie. So while the videocassette box would tempt you to believe otherwise, be warned that Shelly Duvall’s Tall Tales and Legends: Johnny Appleseed is rotten to the core.
E.B. Kelly is finally making use of her English degree. She works in the non-profit field and lives in Ohio with her husband and daughter. She welcomes suggestions for films to appear in this feature and can be reached at e.b.kelly@hotmail.com